Susan Shapiro Barash knows affairs. For over 30 years, the reporter has been compiling research about what makes women cheat. The result is a revised edition of her book, “A Passion for More: Affairs That Make or Break Us” (Meridian Editions, October 11), which was first published in 1993.
“Even 30 years ago, I’d found there was a striking absence of guilt and a sense of entitlement about affairs,” Barash tells The Post. “But today, it’s even more pronounced. And with the interviewees in the past few years, what I’m really hearing is that while women might feel slightly upset for their husband, they feel very confident about their decision to start an affair.”
Barash interviewed women of all ages, races and geographic locations within the United States. And she found that affairs didn’t discriminate by age or life stage. “I spoke with one 80-year-old who had two homes: one in Florida and one in Pennsylvania. Her husband was in Pennsylvania, and her lover was in Florida. To me, this speaks to the longing women experience at any phase of her life.”
The newly updated survey found that 70% of women will cheat in some fashion over the course of a marriage. Getty Images
For women, it’s about emotional discovery. While a man might be pulled toward an affair sparking from physical attraction, Barash believes that the catalyst of a woman’s fling begins when she’s searching for something within herself that she can’t find from her primary partner. “It’s a very personal journey to have an affair,” says Barash. “It’s interior, it’s visceral, and it’s contemplative.” Barash adds that women have the expectation that their husband will be everything. “Across the board, the women I spoke with wanted their husbands to be their best friends, lover, confidante and provider. Expecting all of that from one man is pretty tricky.” An affair, says Barash, allows for a man to realize all the roles a woman might feel she needs in her life.
Barash found that technology tools, including social media as well as the privacy of a phone, have made emotional affairs more common. Getty Images
An affair isn’t (necessarily) a precursor to divorce. Barash’s research found that 52% of women will stay in a marriage after an affair — and an affair is often used as a bargaining chip to demand change. “They’ll look at their husband and say, ‘I’ve been having an affair because I’m unhappy. I love you, and I want to stay with you, but you need to understand.’” Barash says that a huge departure from her research in the 1990s is that more husbands are willing to go to therapy and work on mending the relationship after the affair.
52% of women end up staying in the marriage after an affair. Getty Images
An emotional affair can be just as ‘real’ as a physical one. According to Barash, women are more likely to dive into the depths of an emotional affair. An emotional affair may not be physically consummated, but the intimacy can be breathtaking — and can awaken a woman to what’s missing in her life. Barash found that technology tools, including social media as well as the privacy of a phone, have made emotional affairs more common than they were in the past. She adds that the COVID-19 pandemic also caused a surge in emotional affairs. “Another aspect I’m hearing from women is, ‘Wow, life feels really precious and precarious. I may as well reach out to the person I’ve always longed for,’” says Barash.
Even as open marriages have become less taboo, Barash found that it hasn’t decreased the desire for a secret affair. Getty Images
Open marriage acceptance hasn’t decreased the desire for an affair. Despite open marriages becoming less taboo than they were in the past, Barash says the majority of women she interviewed kept their marriages closed and their affairs secret. This was even true of the Gen Z women Barash interviewed. “The majority of people are still adhering to a conventional paradigm while breaking the ‘expectation’ or ‘rule’ of monogamy,” Barash notes. “I think that really feeds into a societal expectation or almost a cultural encouragement that we all marry and that love everlasting is the key to happiness.”
In the US, there is an unrealistic tendency to expect marriage to be a fairy tale — and the key to happiness. Getty Images
The way Americans have affairs is unique. “I don’t know who would buy this book in France,” Barash says. “Affairs are deeply embedded in some cultures, but in America, our societal messaging and how we cling to it is the idea that the wedding is the fairy tale and that marriage is the key to happiness.” Because of this, “leaving the marriage doesn’t always seem like the right choice, at least at the beginning of the affair,” notes Barash. The danger, Barash says, is that many affairs take on a life of their own.
“As women have more options, more money and more autonomy, I think we’re able to say, ‘You know what? This is for me.’ Women are really able to justify the lack of remorse and how much they finally count in the decision to have an affair. It really is entering an unknown story. It’s a lot of risk. And it can change everything,” notes Barash. “Time and again, so many women who have an affair do not really want to leave the marriage, but they do want what I call a passion. They want more.”
An affair, says Barash, allows for a man to realize all the roles a woman might feel she needs in her life.
