Nightmare Theatre | Manos the Hands of Fate | Season 4 | Episode 1

Publish date: 2024-07-26

(Gentle music) (thunder cracks) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ Baron Mondo Von Doren on "Nightmare Theatre" ♪ No no Mittens I'm not explaining this correctly.

This was the biggest lie in the history of television.

Maybe the biggest lie in the history of all media.

Let me paint the horrific scene for you.

There was a woman, a good woman.

She was a terrific mother and a great housewife and just a wonderful person.

All around.

I just can't say enough good things about her.

She had spent the entire day.

I tell you, the entire day, slaving over a hot stove, making a special meal for her family.

She went all out working her fingers to the very bone.

I mean, maybe even pass the bone.

She had a great table pulling out the best China, the fine linens.

It was a special occasion and everything looked great.

The husband was justifiably impressed.

He turned to his wife and asked how she managed to get all of it done.

And then it happened.

The big lie, before she could answer, her lying daughter blurted out at the top of her lungs.

"It's Shake N Bake and I helped!"

100% bull pucky.

She didn't lift a finger.

That kid didn't do anything.

Oh, wait, wait.

We're on a later.

I'll tell you about those hateful liars who replaced an innocent man's favorite coffee with Folger's crystals.

Hello and welcome once again to Nightmare Theatre.

I'm the Baron Mondo Von Doren.

Mittens and I were just discussing television's greatest lie as we wait for the granddaddy of all liars, El Sapo de Tempesto to shimmy his way out of the straitjacket and escape from whatever funny farm the men in white coats have stuffed him into.

He's.

He's both oily and wiry, so he ought to be here soon.

Here I am, boss.

Sorry I'm late and I am in a bad mood.

Have you ever been on time in your whole life?

I don't know.

My brain's just not what it used to be.

Yes, it is.

And that's what's truly sad.

Well, it is not my fault.

I am late.

I was unavoidably detained.

Yeah, you're.

You're right, Mittens.

I bet there's a story there, but do we really want to hear it?

Now, wait a minute.

Why are you wearing that stupid hat?

Well, boss and Mittens, I went down to the annual fishing rodeo today and... Oh, let me guess, Aquaman.

You thought a fishing rodeo was where you got to ride fish or maybe lasso wild seahorses?

Isn't that what a rodeo means?

I was a rodeo clown back in 1946.

I think I know what a rodeo is.

Sapo, a fishing rodeo is a fishing tournament.

Participants try to catch the biggest fish or the biggest string of fish or whatever at the end of the tournament or rodeo, if you will.

The fish are weighed and the angler with the biggest catch wins a prize like a bag of chewing tobacco or a gallon of whiskey, or maybe an autographed photo of Bill Dance.

Well, those are wonderful prizes, indeed.

But it is not a rodeo.

It's just a term.

It's blatant false advertising.

It's common knowledge.

Everyone knows what a fishing rodeo is.

Do you think a spelling bee is some kind of smart insect?

Not since last week.

I give up.

Wait a minute.

Why are you empty handed?

Don't you have a movie for tonight?

Well, boss, here's what happened.

I got into a bit of a debate or discussion, if you will, of sorts with some of the ladies who were running the fishing tournament over what the word rodeo means.

And by the way, they agree with you.

Naturally.

But I was making some very good arguments and some very good points, and most of the crowd was starting to come around and starting to see things my way.

And then these two guys who were not tagged in and were not officially part of the debate picked me up and threw me in a live well with a mess of very angry crappies.

But I chewed my way through the styrofoam and made it back home.

But I didn't have time to get movie.

or a shower.

But I did manage to wrestle this away from a crusty old gent who was standing in line to have his bluegills weighed.

I'm not sure what it is, but can.

Can you show it when I run?

Get a movie?

I mean, what choice do I have at this point?

I can't spend the whole night exchanging fishing stories with you.

We have to show a movie.

You want me to go look for one?

Sapo go find a movie now!

And take a shower and use soap this time.

Folks, let me see what this is.

But before I look and discover the hellscape that awaits.

I'm going to let my mind wander to some amazing, amazing places.

I'm going to visualize tranquility.

I'm going to pretend he gave me something wonderful, something incredible, something magical.

Okay, there.

Now, let me look at this thing.

Oh, no, Mittens.

I'm sorry.

I apologize to all of you out there, but.

But I want to apologize to Mittens publicly and specifically.

He.

He has to stand here beside me.

And as I watch this horrible travesty against celluloid, I know I'm likely to be unpleasant, which is unlike me and granted a departure from my happy go lucky cheerful buoyant self.

But.

But it's not my fault Sapo is to blame, for he has brought us a trailer for the undersea kingdom.

Well, I mean, we might as well just take the plunge and watch it now.

God.

(dramatic music) - We're down 2500 feet. - Good. Another 2000 feet, I can start the counteracting ray. - We'll never make it. The submarine would be crushed! - Get ahold of yourself, Joe, there's no danger. - Why, of course not.

- Well, you're all mad!. We go any deeper, the submarine will crush like the shell of an egg! - The deep sea craft from the upper world, Your Majesty. Shall I destroy it? - Turn on the magnetic ray and bring them down into Atlantis. All right, Corrigan! This is your last chance!

Tell your friends to hand over that priming powder or I'm going to ram through those gates! - Go ahead and ram. - Ram the gates! They're on both sides! We're trapped! Well, folks, that was the trailer for the 1936 serial, The Undersea Kingdom.

If I were you, I'd purchase some blindfolds and earplugs.

You don't want to see or hear any more of this, and neither do I.

Speaking of something no one wants to see or hear, I wonder what's keeping El Sapo.

He certainly should have found a movie by now, you know.

Here I am, boss.

Here I am, Mittens.

How was your shower?

I didn't take no shower.

I had enough exposure to water to last me another 18 years.

No shower.

Great, Mittens I hope you like the smell of dead minnows.

Well, did you at least find a movie?

Oh, I sure did.

And I.

Believe I believe it is one of them foreign films what ain't in English that you like so much.

It's got a funny word in it.

Funny word.

Let me see.

Let me.

Oh, oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

What is it, boss?

I knew this day would come.

It was only a matter of time.

Our luck had to run out sooner or later.

What do you mean boss?

I knew this movie was out there circling us like a hungry shark, waiting for the right moment to attack.

And that moment is upon us.

Sadly, this movie waited until we were distracted and then it pounced.

Boss, come on.

This movie can't be that bad.

Oh, it is Sapo.

Believe me, it is.

This is a movie like..it's like nothing you've ever seen before or dreamed about or even dreamed about seeing.

You know, I dreamed I went to a Carrot Top film festival the other night.

That would have been better than this one, believe me.

Oh, come on, boss.

You know, I bet this is a good movie.

Oh, you would lose that bet.

This.

This is Manos, the hands of fate.

Oh, that sounds exciting.

Not at all.

This is a movie that makes you question the very fabric of the universe.

While watching it, you'll be convinced there's been a breach in the space time continuum.

Nothing will make sense.

You will be dazed and confused for months.

I've been there, brother.

Folks, do you want to wind up like this guy?

I mean, because if you watch this movie, there's a good chance you'll end up like El Sapo.

This movie will tear your brains out.

My friends, it's deadly.

Get out now.

Save yourself.

If it's that bad, then let's make a run for it, boss.

Let's leave.

Mittens has a fast car and I got a plan to get us out of here.

We.

We could take the midnight train going anywhere where we could catch a night boat to Cairo.

We can hop on a plane, boss.

A plane.

A fly so high in the sky faster than any boy could ever describe.

And all this movie will see is the red tail lights as we slowly sail to Spain.

Or Butte, Montana.

Whichever is cheapest.

We can't leave.

I know you don't care about your job, but Mittens and I care about our jobs.

Right, boy?

So we're going to stay here and we're going to show this movie.

And you, Sunny Jim, are going to watch every second of it.

Every last second.

But Boss...if you..... Every last second, folks, nothing in your life up to this point up to this very moment, will prepare you for the confusing and confounding debacle that is Manos the hands of fate.

So sit back, relax, I guess, and do your best to enjoy Manos the hands of fate here on Nightmare Theatre.

(light jazz music) We're almost there, honey. Just a little while longer and your vacation starts. I'm getting cold, mother, and hungry. We should be pretty close right now, the agent said it was about 12 miles from highway 10, and that was highway 10, back there. But you know we should've asked for better directions at the last gas station. Listen, I've never gotten us lost before. Mommy, I'm cold. Okay, Debbie, I'll put the top up. Never mind, Mike.

Debbie can come up and sit between us. Now, that's better, baby. Why don't we sing a song to help pass the time? ♪ Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream ♪ ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream ♪ ♪ Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream ♪ ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream ♪ ♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪ All right, mister.

I see you have a tail light problem. No excuse - running late, first vacation, kid getting tired. It's too bad. Well, can't you give us a break, officer? Well, all right, all right. Sure do appreciate it. We are running kind of late. Okay, but if you're running late, you should've started earlier. Anyhow, no tail light. Have it fixed. Thank you, officer. Ten miles up this road. We're almost there, Debbie. Just a few minutes more. - I wonder where they're going.

- Man, like, there's nothing up that road. Now look, the sign pointed this way. Mike, let's go back to the crossroads and ask those kids we saw. Okay, okay, but I know we can't be wrong. Look, the sign pointed this way. How many times do we have to chase you kids? Oh, shit. Holy cow, man. You think we're doing something wrong. Well, whatever it is you're not doing, go don't do it somewhere else. Why don't you guys leave us alone? Come on, now.

No wisecracks. Just go on home. Okay. - Get going, get going. - All right already. I could have sworn we didn't make a wrong turn. You must have. - Where did the road go?

- No need to get upset.

We'll find it. Where did this place come from?

It wasn't here a few minutes ago. I don't care.

Let's see if we can get some directions. Look, there's someone at the door. I am Torgo.

I take care of the place while the Master is away. But the child - I'm not sure the Master would approve, or the dog. The Master doesn't like children. We only want to know where Valley Lodge is. Which way do we go? There's no place like that around here. Mike, I'm scared. It's getting dark. Well, Torgo, which way is out of here? There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here. No way out? Well, you know, we could spend the night here, and then tomorrow... Oh, Mike, Mike... I-I don't want to spend the night here, I don't like the looks of the place. Well, it seems we have no alternative. Well, how about it, Torgo, can we spend the night here? Well, I don't know what else we can do. But Mike, I don't wanna stay here. And the Master wouldn't approve. Don't worry about it, we're here now, and I'm sure the Master won't throw us out. Well?

How about it, Torgo? I don't wanna stay! Let's leave! I don't know about it. I just don't know. Daddy, I'm cold.

Let's go in. Well, Torgo, in or out? Patient, dear. Very well.

The Master will be very disturbed. I'll get the luggage. Torgo, we'll stay tonight, and then tomorrow... You must be... You cannot stay. The Master would not approve. Welcome back, my friends, if you're still with us, that is.

I want to thank you and praise your courage.

There's no other way to say this.

This is a bad, bad movie, folks.

Now, now, boss, let's not be like that.

Let's be positive and let a little sun shine in.

The cast is bad.

The sound is bad.

The filming is bad.

The lighting is bad.

The haircuts are unbelievably bad.

But that don't mean the movie is bad.

Yes, it does.

That's exactly what it means.

You just listed many of the reasons why the movie is so bad.

It's all bad.

Oh, come on.

You know, there is something good in this movie.

There is nothing good about this movie.

Not the cast, not the writing, not the camerawork, not even the title.

Which, by the way, Sapo do you know what the Spanish word "manos" means in English?

Yeah, I do.

It's like a like a light sauce or gravy.

No, it doesn't.

"manos" means "hands".

So the name of this movie is Literally "Hands, The Hands of Fate".

It's just bad, Sapo.

But there has got to be something good in this movie.

You know like the light reflecting off a shiny gold tooth and a happy dancing hobo's mouth.

No, there's not a thing from the opening credits to 3 hours after you've watched this thing, there's nothing whatsoever good about it.

Well, unless you count.

I knew there was something.

Hit me.

Oh, I will.

Later.

But we have to watch this mess at the moment.

Look, this movie is like nothing you've ever seen.

And the only possible good thing is Jackey Neyman Jones.

Who is he?

She plays the child in the movie.

Later in life, she wrote a book called "Growing Up With Manos, The Hands of Fate How I was the child star of the worst movie ever made and lived to tell the story".

Now, that sounds like a book worth reading.

Sapo, no one out there believes you can read, but if you would like to rent it from me, we can arrange some terms.

I warn you, though, there aren't many pictures.

You know, it's a lucky thing you had that book handy today.

Isn't it?

I often keep it near me.

I was hoping it would protect me from the movie, but here we are.

This book is filled to the gills with far more than you would ever want to know about this movie.

I do recommend it, though.

Are there stories about the director?

Oh, yeah.

Well, can you tell me something about the director?

Did this movie even have a director?

I know so far it might not look like it, but yes, it had one.

Can you tell me a little bit about him Tell me something about him.

Well, believe me, you don't want to know about this guy.

Oh, come on, boss.

You know you want to talk about this guy.

No, no, I don't.

Was he a scientist?

No.

Well, some kind of Olympic athlete?

No.

A bass fishing legend?

No.

Did he win the double Dutch jump rope contest?

Or the NFL's punt passing kick contest?

Or maybe the three legged race at the regional Kiwanis Club picnic in 1964?

Not that I know of.

1965?

No.

And stop asking stupid questions.

I can't help it.

I'm a curious man.

Gaining knowledge and self-improvement is my passion.

No, it isn't.

Who was the director?

And what did he do other than make movies?

The director, Hal P. Warren, was a fertilizer salesman.

What is fertilizer boss?

You know good and well, what it is.

Fertilizer is...yeah, you know.

No, I really don't.

What is fertilizer?

Well, basically, it's a, you know, manure.

Manure?

Yes.

Hold on.

Let me check this out.

Let me let me check this out.

Manicure, manhandle, manhole, manservant.

Hey, hey, that's me.

Let me keep looking.

Manure.

Oh, get out.

That can't be true.

Oh, it is.

It is.

You mean people?

People pay for that stuff?

Oh, yes.

It's part of what they call uh agribusiness.

The business of agriculture.

You call it farming, if you like, but there's a lot of money in it and in fertilizer.

And Hal P. Warren was a great fertilizer salesman.

You know, something Sapo?

Most farming would not be possible without fertilizer.

In fact, for years agriculture was the backbone of US economy.

Our founding fathers were all planters, which is a type of farming.

I know because I was there.

That was a wild bunch.

I could tell you some stories about Ben Franklin.

In fact, one time he and I stole Thomas Jefferson's.

But can you tell me more stories about this fertilizer stuff?

Other than what I just told you?

Probably.

But I won't.

We don't have time.

I've told you all you need to know.

One last question and I'll stop talking.

Are you sure people pay for that stuff?

Like actual cash money?

I just told you they did.

Mittens you're up, baby brother!

This is your time to shine.

Nope.

Stop, stop.

No, it's not going to happen.

I see what's going on here.

This is not going to happen.

Sure it is.

I can see the ad campaign now.

Von Doren Industries presents organic, gluten free manure for all your farming and sporting needs.

No, zip it!

But, boss, this is the perfect opportunity for us!

Right Mittens?

We've got a factory standing right next to you that runs 247 375 days a year.

How about it boy?

Are you in?

Don't you answer him.

We are not doing this Sapo.

Boss, do you realize we're sitting on a goldmine?

Well, I mean, technically Mittens sits on the gold mine, but you know what I mean.

Stop it and shut up.

We are not doing it.

But boss, but boss!

But not nothing.

But nothing.

No more of this.

We're getting back to this God awful movie.

I don't want to hear any more about fertilizer sales.

Folks, hunker down and brace yourself for more of Manos, the Hands of Fate here on Nightmare Theatre.

Well, forget him Mittens.

We'll go into business for ourselves.

Sapo and Mittens, brand fertilizer.

Wait, wait, wait.

Maybe, maybe, maybe Mittens and Sapo brand fertilizer.

After all, you're going to be doing most of the grunt work.

We'll make millions.

Stop it.

Just roll the film and let's get this over with.

See?

You're feeling better already. Look at this. Mike, I... He looks so sinister. Must be the Master himself. Oh, Mike, I'm scared. He has the meanest look. And that dog... I'd hate to run up on him in the dark, or even in the light, for that matter. That must be your Master. What did you say he was? He has left this world, but he is with us always - no matter where we go, he is with us. - What? - No matter where he goes? What does that mean? And that dog... is the most vicious-looking animal I've ever seen. Well, I hope he goes where the Master goes. There is nothing to fear, madam. The Master likes you. Nothing will happen to you; he likes you. Likes me? I thought you said he was dead. Dead?

No, madam, not "dead" the way you know it. He is with us always. Not "dead" the way you know it. He is with us always. Mike, I don't like this. Nothing to worry about, it's only your imagination. I think that it's best that I show you to the bedroom, now. Oh, my God! Mike, what was that? Probably some animal in the desert.

Nothing to be afraid of. I'm scared, Mike. Michael, I don't care what it is, chase it away. Okay, if it will make you relax, I'll go out and see what it is. What happened?

I heard... Stay here.

Get back into the house. Get back in the house, damnit! My God, Mike!

What happened? He's dead.

Peppie's been killed. Get back in the house, honey. Mike, what kind of place is this? My God, what kind of place is this? I'll take care of everything, honey.

Get back in the house. Ah you're still with us.

I know it seems like this movie's never going to end.

Like it could somehow go on until the end of time.

But trust me, it will end.

Hey, boss.

I just realized something.

I find that very hard to believe.

But I did.

I did.

I actually know one of the guys what's in this movie.

Oh, that doesn't surprise me at all.

These look like just your kind of people.

I bet you know a great many of them.

I'm surprised you aren't in this movie.

It's right up your rotten alley.

Exactly what I'm saying.

I know that guy, Torgo!

I know him!

I went to school with that baboon.

I can't stand that clod.

A- You never went to school.

And B- you know what?

I don't need a B sub point.

No one believes you went to any school, period.

End of story.

But boss, I went to Dr. Sally's Manservant Academy with Torgo.

Class of 1926.

And you both graduated?

Well...... Ah ha!

the truth comes out....

He graduated., but I did not.

Well, that's not surprising at all.

Oh, but I would have graduated if the home ec teacher hadn't been such a filthy liar.

She always had it out for me.

"Sapo, grits aren't supposed to have bones in them."

The teacher had a voice like that?

That's how I remember it.

And she'd say, Sapo, how come you never wash your hands?

Sapo are those my pants you're wearing?

Sapo, why can't you be more like Torgo?

She never liked me.

She tried to frame me.

A bunch of flower goes missing and automatically everyone points their accusing fingers right at yours truly.

Everyone accuses me of stealing 400 pounds of flour.

Well, let me ask if you did steal it, right?

Well, yes, I did.

So you lied in your resume.

Not only did you not graduate from any manservant academy you got kicked out for stealing.

Hey man, life is my college and I learned everything I need to know on the streets.

You've learned nothing.

At least Torgo graduated and applied himself.

He's got a job at a posh hotel.

I've often thought of going into the hotel business.

Maybe I could talk to this Torgo friend of yours.

He aint my friend.

But he seems to know his business, unlike certain people I could name.

Well, you know what?

Mr. High and Mighty Torgo with his fancy goatskin diploma and his store bought haircut can take a short walk off a very long pier.

Oh, he thinks he's so smart with his ironed pants.

I don't think his pants have ever been ironed.

Ooh, in his fancy hat.

Oh, sure, oh, sure.

And a campus hat shop found a hat for him, but they wouldn't even let me try one on.

Like I'm the only guy that ever went to that school that had lice.

Oh, I hate that Torgo.

I hate him so much.

I'll show him.

Whatever, man.

Come on.

I'll show them all.

I'll start my own school of manservantry.

Ha, that'll be the day.

And I won't let Torgo in.

Why would he want in?

Besides, we all know you're never going to start any school.

Just watch me.

I'm going to go get started right now.

Yeah, you do that, folks.

While the manservant academy dropout.

I didn't drop out.

I was kicked out.

While the flour thief here plans his... you know I don't even remember what he said he was going to do.

His fertilizer school or manure academy or whatever.

Let's just get back to "Manos, the Hands of Fate" here on Nightmare Theatre.

Mike... Oh, Mike, what could've done it? Honey, it was probably some animal from the desert. This place must be full of them. Peppie... He went away, baby. Went away while you were asleep. Mike, I wanna leave this place. Now. Okay, honey.

We'll leave right away. Where the hell is that caretaker? Torgo! Torgo! Did you want me? We're leaving.

Would you mind putting the luggage back into the car? As you wish. Right now. Fast, damnit!

Fast! I'll be glad to leave, I've had all this place I want. Madam, it would be very dangerous to leave now. The Master wants you. Wants me? What kind of talk is that? He wants you for his wife. He loves beautiful women. Don't you ever try that again, you... beast! The Master wants you, but he can't have you. I want you! Stop that talk this instance, you hear? He wants you, but he can't have you. Mike!

Mike! Where in the world can he be? Mike!

Mike! Let me out of here. Let me out of here, now! Do you hear?

Now! Forgive me, madam. I meant no harm. Forgive you?

Just wait till I tell my husband! I meant no harm, madam. I'll protect you. I will protect you. Very well, I won't tell my husband. Now let me out. Hello and welcome back.

Well, I tried to warn you about this film.

Just keep this in mind.

Every second puts us one second closer to the end of this thing.

Once it's over, we'll never have to think about this movie again or these people ever again.

It's going to be okay.

Boss, boss, boss, boss, boss, boss, boss!

What do you see me standing here talking?

I'm trying to do some sort of damage control.

I'm trying to do to undo the damage you've done with this movie.

Guys, looky, look, looky.

My new commercial is ready.

What?

I told you we weren't doing that.

You can't run a commercial about Mittens making fertilizer.

It's not about fertilizer anymore.

That was yesterday's news.

I have a score to settle with that ape Torgo.

That creep.

I started my own school and I made a commercial for it, and I have it queued up and ready to go.

You were serious about that?

I did.

Just take a look.

This is just an early draft.

You know, just like a concept.

Hi there.

My name is El Sapo de Tempesto, but you might know me better as the manservant to the famous man about town and tennis table legend the Baron Mondo Von Doren.

Do you want to make more money?

Sure, we all do.

But how do you make more dough?

I'll answer that question with some more questions.

Does the life of a manservant sound exciting to you?

Do you enjoy a challenge?

Do you know how to keep your mouth shut when the OSHA man comes around?

Do you own or can you quickly get your hands on three shovels?

Do you have 40 American dollars in cash?

If you answered yes to at least two of those questions, especially the last one, let me ask you one more question.

Did you know that you have the ability to be a top notch manservant just like me?

Well, believe it or not, you do.

Probably all you need is the proper guidance and training.

And I am just the man to do it.

But don't take my word for it.

Just ask my boss, the big man in the red suit.

What?

I said I wanted nothing to do with this.

Be gone.

See?

High praise from the boss himself.

Look.

Due to certain legal issues, I cannot make any promises or guarantees.

Between us, I promise you I will tell you all you need to know about how to be a good man servant.

I know what to do.

Do you know what to do with Thursday's rags when Monday comes around.

I'll tell you.

I'll tell you all of my trade secrets.

I I'll teach you how to beat a polygraph, how to lie to congressional investigators so you can keep your boss out of federal prison.

I'll teach you how to make those little radish things that look like flowers.

I'll tell you how to make lard at home for just pennies per serving.

I'll tell you how to fake a time code on a VHS security tape.

I'll tell you how to fold a fitted sheet, and I'll tell you how to properly grease the wheels down at City Hall so the health inspector will leave your food truck alone.

What you want to know what to do with 400 pounds of stolen flour?

I am the man.

So if the life of a man servant sounds exciting to you, call me at 1-800-SAPO.. Let it ring three times.

Exactly.

No more, no less.

And then hang up and call right back and I will answer no delay call today.

Torgos need not apply!

What did you think of that, boss?

Remove me from that commercial immediately.

I didn't and do not consent to be associated in any way with your various hootenannies.

You didn't even mention finding a movie.

That's your entire gosh darn raison d'etre.

I want nothing to do with this.

Unless it somehow turns a profit, then I want my standard 80%.

That was absolutely the worst commercial I've ever seen.

You spelled words wrong, even spelled your own name wrong, folks.

I mean, I'm really sorry you had to see that.

I'll make it up to you somehow.

In the meantime, this is not making it up to him.

In the meantime, let's get back to "Manos, the Hands of Fate" here on Nightmare Theatre.

Ugh... Imagine, the damned car won't start. Margaret? Damned car won't start. Well, that really fixes things. What are we gonna do now? I don't know, and I couldn't find anything wrong with it, either. Hey, Torgo, where's the phone? Yes, Alexander Graham Bell, you know, telephone? There is none, sir.

The Master doesn't approve of such devices. Then where is the nearest phone? The nearest phone is at the crossroads. That's ten miles. Ten miles? Might as well be 10,000 miles! Easy, honey.

It won't help to get mad. The Master won't mind you staying tonight. He has no choice - we can't leave, we can't walk out of here, and the damned car won't start. I'll just bring the bags back to the room. Sinister. "Sinister" isn't descriptive enough. Honey, we'll leave in the morning, and soon this place will be forgotten. Forgotten?

I'll never forget. Peppie's gone. I just hope Debbie will understand. She'll understand.

She's my baby, she'll understand. I hope so, darling. I sure hope so. She's my baby, she'll understand. Say, where is she? Oh, my God!

Michael! Don't get wrought up, she's probably playing hide-and-seek. Okay, Debbie, we see you.

Come out, come out, wherever you are. Maybe she slipped into one of the rooms. Debbie? - Debbie? - Debbie? Debbie? Torgo, have you seen Debbie? - No. - She's gone.

Help us find her. She couldn't have gone outside; the door is bolted. For God's sake, don't panic! She's got to be in here. Is there another exit to the outside? In the kitchen. That door is bolted, too! Outside, Mike. She's got to be outside. All right, we'll look outside for her. - Debbie? - Debbie? - Debbie? - Debbie? Mike, I'm scared. - The animals and Debbie... - Cut it out! We'll find her.

Don't worry. Debbie? Debbie? Daddy, is this a good puppy? Mike, it's the dog from the portrait. Stand back, Debbie!

Stand back! That dog wants to play with you, daddy. Darling, baby, you could've been hurt. I saw the puppy and got close to. But you should never run away from us. Debbie, don't ever run away from us. But I wanna find my puppy. Where did you find the new dog, baby? In that big place. In a big place?

Where, Debbie? There was this big dark place. It was so dark, but I wasn't afraid of the dark, there were all kinds of funny people in it. Where is the place, Debbie? Follow me, daddy. Mike, it's horrible! - Let's get out of here! - Let's go! Get into the bedroom and lock yourself in. I'm gonna find Torgo. He's got some explaining to do. Hurry.

Please hurry. Welcome back, folks.

Boss you weren't kidding about this movie, were you?

Have you ever known me to kid?

I said this was a bad movie, and I meant it.

Folks like this movie is the El Sapo de Tempesto of movies.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

This movie ain't quite as bumbling as me.

I never thought I'd say this, but this movie is even more ridiculous than you are.

I appreciate that.

Wasn't meant to be a compliment.

This movie makes you look almost competent.

I mean, almost.

You know, I have to say.

I have to say for a bad movie, it looks good.

I mean, the film looks good.

Well, that's because this version is a restored version.

In 2011, a man named Benjamin Solovey found a fairly good part of the film, and he took it upon himself to professionally restore it.

He spent a lot of time on it, and I have to say, he did a great job.

So this guy made something bad look very good.

Yeah, he did.

Maybe there's some hope for me.

Can you get a hold of that guy and see if he can work his magic on me?

Nothing can help you.

See with this movie, he at least had something to work with.

Some raw material.

Very little, admittedly, but he at least had something.

I'm pretty much a lost cause.

Yeah.

Speaking of lost causes, how is that school of yours going, Sapo?

Gotten a call or two.

From potential students?

Maybe they didn't say, but I've gotten a call or two.

Oh, where they wrong numbers.

I've gotten a call or two and that's what counts.

No one is going to come to you for advice.

And that commercial was horrible, except for my part.

Which, I bet there were calls from people wanting to meet me.

Judas Iscariot, Mittens, you told him.

Folks, while I rub salt into The Schoolmarm's wounds let's get back to the movie here on Nightmare Theatre.

I want her. She's mine!

Mine! Mine, you hear? I want this one.

You have all the wives you need.

This one is mine. Look! Oh, you pretty ones. No matter how good you are, I won't need you anymore. I have my own wife! I won't have to come in here to dream of having one of you. You... You are the worst! You were his first wife. He doesn't want you anymore. And now even I don't want you. No, I'm through with all of you. Through! Through, you hear me? Well, hello and welcome back.

Folks, we are going to get through this.

We are going to get through this.

They say that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

And boy, howdy.

We will be strong enough to heft huge boulders when this thing is over.

Please, please tell me how this thing got made.

Now, that's a story better than the movie itself.

To prolong the moments away from this film, I will regale you with a grand tale.

See one fine day Hal P. Warren met a guy named Sterling Silliphant.

The voice of Winnie the Pooh!

No, that was Sterling Holloway.

Silliphant was a movie scout checking out locations for potential films and TV shows.

The rumor is Warren met him and made a bet about making a movie.

Warren was convinced he could make a great movie on a very small budget.

How small?

Well, the only cast members who got paid was the little girl.

She got a bicycle, and I guess you could say the big dog got paid.

He got a bag of dog food.

Premium food?

Warren was so cheap, it was probably expired store brand.

But the dog didn't care.

No one else was paid.

They were all offered shares of the profits the film made.

So the cast didn't get paid at all.

But what about the crew?

He had a very small crew.

The entire film was shot on a small camera that could only record about 30 seconds at a time.

It didn't even record sound.

All of the voices in this movie were dubbed in later by only three people.

That's why you see scenes where two people are talking and there's only one voice.

I thought that was just me.

No, that actually happened in the movie.

Well, how long?

How long did it take to make this movie, boss?

It took two and a half months to shoot this thing.

Warren only did a maximum of two takes for each shot.

And remember, he could only shoot about 30 seconds at a time.

He couldn't afford any reshoots.

He told the cast all errors would be fixed in editing.

Geez, how many months did it take to edit a film like this?

It must have take a team of crack editors working around the clock.

Tom Neyman, the actor playing The Master, says it only took 4 hours to edit the movie.

4 hours?

I think they should have spent a little time on it myself.

They should have set it on fire and never spoken of it again.

But to be fair, Benjamin Solovey should be given a lot of credit for taking the time to restore this film.

It looks really good.

If nothing else, this film will serve as a what not to do when making a film.

Amen, I am often using the example of what not to do myself.

Now that's very true.

The whole process of making the film made the tiny crew so mad they started calling the movie "Mangos, the Cans of Fruit."

I guess that's what passed for a joke on the set.

Hey.

You know what scene I like in this movie?

Nope.

But I'm sure you're going to tell me.

That scene with that fella in that little car making out with that girl.

Oh, you like that, do you?

Yeah.

Boy I do.

You know why all those making out scenes take place in a car?

Because Joyce Molleur, the girl in the car, broke her leg and couldn't walk, so she just stayed in the car.

That guy in that car, he reminds me of me.

I was pretty popular with the ladies myself back in my school days.

I was a sort of a back seat Don Knotts myself, you know.

No you weren't.

But I here to go was quite the big man on campus.

I love to torment this guy.

Folks, let's get back to "Manos, the Hands of Fate."

Again?

How many times do you have to be told? Like, wow! Have a heart, will you? Go chase that other couple. What other couple? Those idiots that went deeper in the desert. Find them and queue on them a while. We know that this road goes nowhere, so now get! No smart stuff. We ain't trying to jump on you. Just get! O Manos... Thou of primal darkness! Thou, who dwelleth in the depths of the universe, in the black chasms of night! Thou, who bestoweth the mother darkness upon thy faithful, to live eternally in her keeping. Thou dost make him most blessed forever! And thou who dost curse with eternal burning life those who transgress against thee! Holy art thou, holy art thou, holy art thou! Manos will be done! Thy priesthood remains steadfast, thy priesthood remains constant, thy priesthood remains righteous. Thou hast taught us, o Manos, and we hath listened. Give ear to our words, o Manos, and hear us! Hear us! Hear us! For we are faithful and thou art our God. Arise, my wives. Give ear to the words of Manos. Arise, my wives, and hear the will of Manos. Why has the child been brought here? Why? And a female child at that! I have never complained about sacrificing a man, but a child? The woman is all we want. The others must die. They all must die! We do not even want the woman. They child is a female - she must not be destroyed. She will grow up to be a woman. - She must be killed! - No! I'm the oldest of the wives, and it is my privilege to say that... Enough! Enough of this stupid bickering! The child must die! If you persist in this foolishness, your usefulness will come to an end. Say what you will, I will have no part of this madness. As the oldest of the wives, I demand that she lives. I don't know what they're doing here in the first place. You have caused enough trouble. I think perhaps your service to us is at its end, now. Silence!

Silence! And now, my wives, I shall deal with the one who is responsible for the child being here. Torgo, he's the one! Get Torgo! You are responsible for this nonsense. We shall dispose of you, later. It's a terrible mistake. The man, yes.

The child, no. Maybe she's right. Maybe we should spare the child. It is against our will that we stay here. Do not make the child die to satisfy him. He does not need any more wives. Yes, he has no more time for us older wives, just the newest. Jealousy is not part of us. Why are you so jealous of me? You are a troublemaker. You deserve to die! Die?

I may die, but I do not care. The child must live. She is right. We will not kill the child. But Manos would not approve. The law of Manos exits for us only. Manos loves women. She will grow up to be a woman. She must die. When the Master hears of this, he will be furious. You are all mad!

Mad, the whole lot of you! The man, yes.

The child, no. Hello and welcome back.

Boss, this Valley Lodge thing.

What is a lodge?

Is it like some super secret club?

That's only for members only?

Like they kicked me out of that time when all that flour went missing again.

It's not a club.

Think of it as a hotel or maybe a motel, or think of it as an old timey Airbnb.

See, in the old days, Americans would pile the kids in the back of the family station wagon.

And my parents always put me in the trunk.

I bet, but at any rate, they would stack the luggage on top of the vehicle and head out to explore the vast plains and vistas of America.

The wide open roads were calling and gas was cheap, and there was a big country out there and everyone wanted to see it.

So as Americans we started driving.

But it didn't take us long to realize that driving for 36 straight hours, it was difficult for a lot of people.

So smart businessmen set up places where folks could sleep for the night.

Some of these places were called lodges,.

You know, maybe we ought to go into the lodge business.

We?

You are already in the school business.

But you know what else El Sapo?

I have already made a deal to franchise several valley lodges all across our great land.

In fact, I've put together a promotional piece here, have a look at it and let me show you what a real commercial made by a professional looks like.

Guests of Nightmare Theatre stay at the palatial Valley Lodge, located conveniently just off the beaten path and over the next hill.

There is always a vacancy and we'll keep the store room window half open for you.

Tell them Mittens sent you and receive 20% off all appetizers during the master's weekly Happy Hour.

Tell them El Sapo sent you and you will be asked to leave the premises immediately.

When your travels take you out of town, remember Valley Lodge, where dogs and kids stay for free and forever and and ever.

Oh my.

That was really good, boss.

Of course it was.

It was my idea.

And, you know, you worked my name into it.

Not my idea.

You certainly have a head for business, boss.

Yes, I do and if the boys in the legal department are right, most of those vacation taken rubes won't bother to read the fine print.

So if even one fork is out of place, they get charged a hefty fork straightening fee.

Oh, and I get their souls for all eternity.

Folks., let's get back to "Manos, the Hands of Fate" here on Nightmare Theatre.

And if after the movie you need a vacation, please consider Valley Lodge.

We're always open.

Master, what are you doing here? You have failed us, Torgo. I know of your visits to the tomb. My visits? The women have told me. They may not be able to say anything, or move when you're there, but they remember everything you say to them, and everything you do to them. But Master, you have six wives. Why can't I have one for myself? You're not one of us, therefore you cannot have one of them. But I have one now.

This one is mine.

You'll never get her. You have failed us, Torgo. For this you must die! Failed you?

No. You have failed yourselves. You'll never kill them! I'll help them! You have failed... and you must die! Manos, God of primal darkness, as thou has decreed, so have I done. The hands of fate have doomed this man. Thy will is done. The women are fighting! What was that? Michael? Michael, where are you? Oh, please, God!

Where is Mike? Now.

He was thirsty, but didn't want alcohol.

All he wanted was a Pepsi.

He just wanted one Pepsi.

And that lady wouldn't even give it to him.

Just one Pepsi.

That seems horrible.

It is horrible.

I don't understand.

You know, he'll probably get run over by a car anyway.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Oh, wait, wait.

Look.

Look who it is.

I barely recognize him.

He's very much different.

What?

What happened to you?

Well, you locked me in the sub sub sub sub basement for.... Don't look at me.

I didn't lock you anywhere.

It was Sapo.

Anyway.

Once again, we're here with the Curator in the sub sub sub sub basement of the television studio and he's brought another prop from the Merrill Movie Museum to show us today.

I believe these are not really props though.

Isn't this what Sapo uses to clean the toilet?

Yeah.

I use these to clean the toilets.

Well, that would explain a lot, but but, no, these actually are a prop we've actually had on on the on the show before the Vogon masks from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I remember putting together those characters, which are massive characters, took more than just one actor and one mask and this is another part of that costume.

Vogons had three fingers, and these are three finger gloves that would have been worn by Vogon scientistis.

As you can see, obviously much larger than actual humans.

And yeah.

Speak for yourself, pal.

I got an ant with hands like that.

So these would have been made for an actor to wear and they had several different ways of manipulating these.

They had these inserts that would kind of keep the form right again, have the three fingers and it's like a soft piece.

Right?

Right.

But if they were wanting to move the fingers around, they would actually have someone manipulate these wire pieces that could manipulate the individual fingers.

It's interesting because we've had these in the collection for a while, and I wasn't really sure how these things went together, but I was lucky enough to meet a puppeteer who used to work for the Henson Company, which did the special effects on Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and in fact did work on this movie.

Brian Herring, who a lot of people may also know, he was the operator of BB-8 in all of the Star Wars movies.

And Brian was actually the one that showed me how these kind of went and and and functioned and and made them work.

So it's just one of those interesting things that you may not even if you're somebody that's experienced working with props, you may not figure out until you talk to somebody that's actually worked them.

Right.

Because it's not something that we would notice if we're just watching the film.

Exactly.

Yeah.

In the film, you're just going to see the hands and you know, there may be offset against something else in the background.

Or you may they may be just closed up in on the hands themselves or you may see the whole figure with the hands kind of at the side.

But a lot of times that will be more than one person.

There might be a puppeteer working the mask and in the case of that particular one, the the puppeteers were tended to be wearing the mask because they were big, huge heads.

And then there might be another actor manipulating the hands.

A lot of times with the characters that are done with puppets, you do see that where there's actually several operators there that are working together to create one performance.

You know, speaking of Henson and Star Wars, a lot of people don't realize, you know, Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi had so many people operating different people.

People that were only operating the tail or only operated, the eyes are only operated you know, the mouth, you know.

So there's just a lot of this goes on with making these and especially the Vogons which they were such big creatures and bulky creatures that, you know, putting somebody in a suit but giving them different ways to manipulate these hands that they have.

It was it's really interesting that that that, you know, a lot of people just don't understand how much goes into that.

Yeah.

Anything you see with a practical character, it's more than just like, well, even some of the Muppets, you know, I was going to say was more than just a muppet.

But even some of the Muppets do take multiple operators.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You know, they're not just a guy with a hand up inside Kermit, because sometimes you've got to be somebody else to, to manipulate the arms while somebody else is doing the he hand and the voices.

Depending on the character you could have, in the case of Jabba the Hutt, I think there was something like seven or eight performers at one time working on that particular very large puppet.

They were all stuffed inside and stuffed inside and... Not all of them, but some of them.

But then, you know, and you think about Jabba the Hutt, there's also the salacious crumb who's sitting up on the shoulder.

So that's more puppeteers so it could get very crowded on set when just to create these one or two characters coming to life in the middle of this.

It's very fascinating as always, we love seeing this stuff.

Sapo, please do not use these to clean the toilet.

I have a feeling they're very valuable.

Yeah, so don't do that again.

All right.

And we're going to get back to the film here on Nightmare Theatre.

We'll be back in two and two.

Stop!

What foolishness is this? Manos must be served! There you are! She is the one! She has upset all of our plans! This foolishness must stop! There has been enough trouble. Our purpose must be served. There will be no further insolence. - But the child... - We cannot kill a child! Yes, we can! You have caused enough trouble! As soon as we have disposed of Torgo, we shall take care of you! Your power fails you; I have no more fear. Seize her!

And prepare her for sacrifice! Well done, my wives. The will of Manos shall be served! Tis the will of Manos that he be sacrificed. Kill!

Kill!

Kill! Manos has decreed it. Kill!

Kill!

Kill! Mike, help us!

Oh, my God! Margaret, open the door! Margaret, open the door! Enough! The ceremony is done. Killing doesn't help anymore! You're all finished! You have said enough! Your turn will come, as soon as we've disposed of the others! Go find the others! Hurry, before the night slips away! Oh.

Hello.

Welcome back.

Unfortunately, folks, I don't have much time to talk about the movie right now as I'm suddenly very, very busy.

You want me to talk about the movie, boss?

I mean, if you'd like to, have at it.

Sapo, you know why I'm so busy?

You got yourself a hobby?

Scrimshaw?

You you published a clog dancing newsletter?

No, I do that in my spare time.

I am so busy because my chain of Valley Lodges are booked for the next eight months.

In fact, we're expanding into new territories.

I've even made another commercial.

Take a look at this one.

When you find yourself traveling late at night and the endlessly long and winding road has gotten you weary and you need a place to rest your head for all eternity.

Just look for the beckoning Valley Lodge sign.

Yes, with an infinite number of locations scattered across our fabled land, there is always a valley lodge just over the next hill.

Our bellhop is always ready to carry your bags to your room.

And he's extremely attentive.

And remember, you can check in any time you like, but you can never leave.

See, wasn't that amazing?

You put that nasty Torgo in it!

I did.

He's been handy and very helpful.

It's nice to have a man with some academic credentials on the payroll.

It pays to hire a college man.

Say, how is your school doing?

Enrollment up?

Lots of incoming students?

I've got a call or two.

Well, if you need a place for your students to stay off campus, there's always a Valley Lodge close by.

Say, folks, why don't you get back to the movie.

Mittens and I have some calls to make regarding Valley Lodge and international expansion and Sapo, well, he's got a lot of free time on his hands.

Enjoy the movie, folks.

At the window, Mike. I saw him at that window. Okay, honey.

We'll leave.

We'll leave. We've got to leave now! I can't stand it any longer! Please, Mike! We'll hide in the desert. Someone will help. The gods will destroy you! Your power fails! You cannot endure! Destroy? The gods destroy me? Destroy me? I am permanent! Manos has made me permanent! Your power fails you! You are losing your control! Even Torgo defied you! And he was destroyed, even as you shall be! Your power does not affect me anymore! Even your other wives do not trust you! See?

I do not fear you! Eventhough you beat me! Beat me again!

Beat!

Beat! I do not fear you! I can't go on. Take Debbie and run. No, darling.

We'll make it. Let's go. Nothing of that way. Let's go this way. Mike?

Mike, are you all right? Damn... Mike, we can't go on this way. We got to keep going. They have gone! They have left the house! We have searched everywhere. Find them! They must not escape! - Find them! - No, leave them alone! We cannot kill a child! Enough talk! Find them! Manos will be served! I can't make it, Mike! I can't make it! Take the baby! Take Debbie! No, Maggie, we can make it. We'll rest here for a minute. We can make it. - Let's go back. They'll never think of looking for us at the house. - You know, you might have a point there. - Please, Mike!

Please! I can't go any farther! Listen, we can lock ourselves in the kitchen.

I have my gun. We'll have to go back. Okay.

It might be the safest place, especially since they're out here, looking for us. Daddy, I'm scared. Where's my puppy? Please, Debbie, not now! Hello and welcome back, folks.

The deals are inked.

Valley Lodge will be expanding into Canada, Mexico, the Philippines, Ghana and Burkina Faso.

Soon, we will be everywhere.

Say Sapo, how is your school doing?

And rather not talk about that.

Thank you very much.

Oh, come on.

Say, if you need tips on how to run a school, my partner Torgo can help you out.

There ain't going to be no school.

Turns out all of them calls I was getting were from federal investigators and the media.

Get this, apparently you can't run a school without a license and running water.

And apparently, get this.

There's a law.

There's a law against monkey instructors.

And believe it or not, the statute of limitations when it comes to stealing flour is a lot longer than you might think it is.

Oh, well, easy come.

Easy go.

Right.

You can't win them all.

I mean, I can, of course, but you can't.

Mittens and I are doing great.

In fact, would you like to see my newest commercial?

I think you're going to like it.

Let's.

Let's look at it.

When you are on that road to nowhere, look for the handwritten white and black sign tacked on to the telephone pole that says Valley Lodge.

Our accommodations have been beckoning weary travelers for centuries.

We're easy to find.

Just turn left at the teenage makeout session or don't.

But don't worry.

You'll find it.

We promise.

And you'll never want to leave.

Plus, you can't, but anyway, there's no pool.

But the nightly bonfire is something you don't want to miss.

Join us at the Valley Lodge.

Female travelers stay free.

That's how it's done.

In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have added that line about females staying for free.

So many women are just showing up to meet Torgo and we let them stay for free.

No matter, we'll make it back off the minibar and the parking charges.

Do you need a guy to restock the bars or to check the parking lots for you?

No, Torgo has that handled.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about them.

All the merchandise.

Look at this.

Look, we have Valley Lodge robes, Valley Lodge soap... that's not something you'd be interested in.

Yes.

And we have Valley Lodge, Fly Swatters and get this Torgo coloring pages for the kids.

These things are very popular.

Kids just love them.

Look at these.

Those are great.

Hey, y'all have any pictures of me for the kids?

No.

No, we do not.

I can get some for you if you like.

No, we're fine, folks.

Let's get back to the thrilling conclusion of "Manos, the Hands of Fate" here on Nightmare Theatre.

That sure sounded like shots. We'd better check. At this hour of the night? There can't be anybody out here - this is the boondocks. Well, sound does travel a long way at night. It could be clear over in Mexico, for that matter. It sure is good to get away. Damn the rain! Vacations are fine, but this one should be great. Yeah, the gang's coming up for the weekend.

What a blast! Welcome. I am Michael. I take care of the place while the Master is away. Finally it's over.

That was a bad, bad movie, folks.

Thank goodness.

You know, the best thing of all is I will never have to look at Torgo's big, fat, ugly head again.

Oh, no, not so fast.

You just might.

I sold my interest in Valley Lodge to him for more money than you could ever imagine.

He's already recouped what he paid me and is considering expanding it to Asia and South America.

I mean, he's just amazing.

I told him if he was ever in town to stop by.

He says he has quite a collection of films.

Oh, that don't sound good.

Speaking of films Sapo, what do we have on tap for next week?

Oh, this is my time to shine, boss.

We have this!

Beat that, Torgo!

7 hours and his blood is still alive. (screams) [Announcer] Night of the Blood Beast brings you the first creature on earth bullets cannot kill! - Fantastic. It's unbelievable. Things like this just don't happen! [Announcer] A blood beast that makes a dead man live! (man screams) - Dr Wyman!

- Half of his head's gone! [Announcer] A blood beast that feasts on earth scientists! The first satellite creature to impregnate man with its chromosomes! - It's true! I can feel it inside!

Exposing secrets too horrifying to reveal. You will know. Days of nerve training, suspense. It's first degree terror. When you see Night of the blood beast. Oh, wow.

Mittens, go call Torgo now.

Tell him if he can get here by next week.

He's got himself a new job.

But boss, but boss, but boss.... Uhhh but nothing.

Folks, take a long, last look at Sapo He's probably not going to be here much longer, and that is a very good thing.

So until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.... (thunder cracks) (upbeat music)

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Nightmare Theatre | Manos the Hands of Fate | Season 4 | Episode 1